The Secret Sadness of the Teenage Heart

They say a teenager knows nothing of love. They say that teenagers know nothing of heart ache. They say that teenagers know nothing of true sadness. They know nothing of the secret sadness of the teenage heart.

I may just be imagining this. I don't even know how something like it would even feel. However, despite all that I think I may be in love. With who you ask? Well, my best friend, I know right, so classic love story right.

Where to even start. Oh, I know the beginning.

Picture this, a dorky little-flute playing 5th grader, sitting and laughing in her 1st day of band class as the teacher takes attendence. Then a cute, chuncky, spikey-haired, saxophone playing 5th grade boy walks in. I stop talking and laughing and watch as this mystery boy sitts down. I knew right then, he was going to be my friend.

Skip ahead to lunch receses. I'm walking to this cute little boy, lets call him Joe, and his other cute friend, Bill. The whole walk there, I'm still trying to work up the courage to talk to him. As I get there they both look up and smile and say "hi". From there, we are good friends.

Lets go past elementary, besides the fact that i made a great friend, nothing much happened.

Jr. High hits and everyone starts to drift apart. Joe and Bill still talk to me. But not like before. Then it hits...BOOM...i think i have a crush on Joe. Jr. High continues and everyone gets close again, causing mischeif, and even a trip or two to the princapals office. Now whenever i see Joe the happier my heart gets.

Freshman year at high school now. I drop my AP english for regular english and who is in there? Thats right Joe. What great times. Non-stop laughing, and water drinking contests. Now when i see him, my stomach starts to flip and butterflies are unleashed. Not even just when i see him but when i hear his name too. We get even closer, and i catch him secretly taking pics of me. But i let it pass. I get a secret message saying that some one thinks im wonderful, and i think its from him. I can only hope.

Sophmore year, and as i am sitting in my first hour class, he walks in. Needless to say my friend, Joe, and I become great friends. As sophmore years gets closer to an end, something i call the dark times happened. Some rumors happened, with him supposibly saying he thought i was annoying. I was hurt, no devasted. But i decided to brush it off and forget. The next day was the start. He didnt talk to me, he woulnt even look at me. He didnt walk with me to my 2nd hour or 6th hour anymore either. That night i cried myself to sleep. I had no idea why either. The next day was saturday, and i sat in my room remembering the good times before that. My heart flutters, butterflies released, and as i am sitting there smiling i realize, maube i love him. As i try those words together my heart gives a not to gentel squeeze. I knew then that i loved him.

As the days of darkness continues i continue to cry myself to sleep. At some points it gets so bad i can hardly breathe. I wish it would end.

At last they do, but you can tell it's not the same, and that makes me even more sad.

Now we are at jr year in high school. We are still best friends and i still wish we were more than that. Every night i sit with sadness as i try to wrap my head around the fact that he has a.....girlfriend. It makes me cry sometimes. She doesnt know his likes and dislikes like i do. She doesnt know his type of music or like it like i do. It hurts that i cant with him and she can.

If only he knew how i felt. If only.....


Quote: "I blame Disney movies for allowing me to grow up believing that everything has a happy ending."-unkown

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Why cant you?

Why cant you see? Why cant you see that I am un-happy? Why cant you see the fake smile, and the pain behind it? Why cant you see the tear streaks that feel permently etched into my skin?

Or maybe you do see. Maybe you see every ounce of agony reflected in my dark brown eyes. Maybe you do see the constant tears, or the occasional sigh. Maybe you do see how much pain im in, or the non-stop struggel to get through the day.

Why cant you feel? Why cant you feel the sharp shards of my heart piercing my chest. Why cant you feel the tears as they roll down my cheek? Why cant you feel my sadness?

They say that love is your family. Thats what I have been told growing up my whole life. And for a while I believed that.

I grew up in a place where I was constantly surrounded by my family. Wheter it was being with my mom, or dad(s), my brother or sister, or my nana or cousins, I had someone there to lean on.

As I continued to grow I thought I was the luckiest girl on earth. I had a wonderful family, and amazing friends. But around the time of the 7th grade is when my perfect little world began to crumble beneath my feet.

It all started with my brother, well step-brother. It started with a few "no"s, and ignoring what he was being told. Then it went to his grades, and behavior. He started to get jerky towards me, and I could feel us drifting apart.

Along with that came arguements, between my parents I mean. But that was easily tuned out by both me and my siblings.

Then one night something happened, and im not sure what. But I remember yelling, and hearing rape. I remember police coming to get my brother during school to talk in the office. I was young, I couldnt comprend what was happening. Only later that day did I come to realize that my brother was being charged with raping my cousin.

Of course this was no where near the truth. But thats not how my cousins mom saw it. He was charged not guilty, or so I presume, but that mark would always be there.

Nothing was the same after that. We cut off comunication with my moms side of the family for years.

Eventually we came in contact but it was never the same.

Flashing forward to high school, sophmore year specially, was when I felt like I had everything then it was all taken away again.

You see, my brother got very serious with some girl and began to do stupid things, for what he believed to be love ( I myself was also convinced I was in love but thats a story for a different entry).

To make an extremely long story short, by the begining of jounor year my sister, my mom, and I had moved to an apartment. My brother stayed with my step dad but eventually moved out to live with my nana. (if you like to know how this all came to be, leave.me a comment saying u wanna know more, and ill tell you the whole story).

Now its almost christmas, and my family is split apart. To make it worse my family minus my brother are going to disneyland. Great, now our first christmas and vacation without him. Its so hard for me to deal with, I can hardly take it. My parents are talking divorce after the holidays, like it is supposed to be better for us or something. Well its not, if anything it hurts me more.

If only they care how I feel about all of this. If only.....

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